Losing weight while on vacation

I'm back in London and settling back into my routine again. We had a really lovely time traveling around Tunisia over the past three weeks. Tunisia is such a wonderful country with a fascinating history and an incredibly varied landscape, culture and people.

One of the biggest lessons I had reinforced for me on this trip is that having fun doesn't have to be about eating. I had the most amazing time without binging or grazing my way through the whole experience.

Another great lesson reinforced was how valuable exercise is to weight loss. By the very nature of our journey, I was forced to walk an average of 5miles everyday. Within the first week my trousers had loosed up considerably.

Now nothing that I'm saying here is in anyway news, but it is amazing to me how hard the simplest truths can be to practice in our daily lives, far less when we are on vacation.

I am happy that unlike my Christmas vacation, I did not allow my compulsion to eat sugar take over. I was able to stick to my food plan and to get an abundance of exercise. I am glad that a vacation from my life did not mean a vacation from my commitment to good health. Consequently, I am able to report a 4.4lb weight loss over the time that I was away, as opposed to a 4.4lb weight gain.

SAD and Overeating

Since I got back from vacation I've been depressed and have felt completely incapable of dealing with my weight loss goals ... as a matter of fact before I went on vacation I was depressed.

Winter doesn't work for me. I love Autumn and Spring, but I HATE winter. It isn't just the cold that I hate, but the lack of light that I absolutely detest. In truth even though I love Autumn, from the moment the first chill in the air signals its arrival, I start to feel a creeping melancholy.

The British isles are cold, grey and damp and in the winter the days are super short. Sometimes you don't see the sun for weeks and if you do it is fleeting - a you'll miss it if you blink experience. For a long time I have suspected that the lack of sunlight affects my mood. Now I am sure of it.

According to the Seasonal Affective Disorder Association:

SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder) is a type of winter depression that affects an estimated half a million people every Winter between September and April, in particular during December, January and February.

It is caused by a biochemical imbalance in the hypothalamus due to the shortening of daylight hours and the lack of sunlight in winter.

For many people SAD is a seriously disabling illness, preventing them from functioning normally without continuous medical treatment. For others, it is a mild but debilitating condition causing discomfort but not severe suffering. We call this sub-syndromal SAD or 'winter blues.'

Symptoms

Sleep problems:	Usually desire to oversleep and difficulty staying awake but, in some cases, disturbed sleep and early morning wakening
Lethargy:	Feeling of fatigue and inability to carry out normal routine
Overeating:	Craving for carbohydrates and sweet foods, usually resulting in weight gain
Depression:	Feelings of misery, guilt and loss of self-esteem, sometimes hopelessness and despair, sometimes apathy and loss of feelings
Social problems:	Irritability and desire to avoid social contact
Anxiety:	Tension and inability to tolerate stress
Loss of libido	Decreased interest in sex and physical contact
Mood changes	In some sufferers, extremes of mood and short periods of hypomania (overactivity) in spring and autumn.

I definitely have a number of these symptoms. I have been depressed, lethargic, suffering from insomnia, anxious, unsociable and definitely overeating sweets.

Treatment

Light therapy has been shown to be effective in up to 85 per cent of diagnosed cases. That is, exposure, for up to four hours per day (average 1-2 hours) to very bright light, at least ten times the intensity of ordinary domestic lighting.
Antidepressant Drugs like Prozac are effective in alleviating the depressive symptoms and combing well with light therapy.
Psychotherapy, counselling or any complementary therapy which helps the sufferer to relax, accept their illness and cope with its limitations are extremely useful.
Vigorous exercise, especially outdoor activities.

My partner bought me a light therapy box for my birthday a few weeks ago and I have been using it religiously. It has completely alleviated my symptoms and I have been able to turn my attention once again to addressing my food/weight issues. As mentioned in my last post, I have returned to Greysheeter Anonymous program and so far it has been as wonderful as it was the first time around. I feel well on my way to successfully addressing my obesity. In GSA we weigh in once a month so I will now be providing monthly updates of my progress.

New Year - Old Goals

I had a wonderful Christmas break with my family. A testimony to my emotional growth and maturity (and probably theirs as well) is that I now feel absolutely no bitterness or anger towards my parents. I realise they did the best job they could based on who they are and what they knew and in many ways sent me into the world with a plethora of advantages. As I'm no longer emotionally or otherwise dependent on them I can relate to them as individuals and appreciate their special qualities as such. This Christmas was filled with an abundance of joy for all of us and I can't wait to visit again.

I haven't made any New Year's resolutions but one of my most critical goals for 2008, is to continue the weight loss journey I started last August and lose the 27kgs/60lbs I have left to lose through good nutrition and exercise. Food wise, I allowed myself to have whatever I wanted during the holidays, with some quantity moderation and that worked well. I was a little depressed when I got back to grey London and did have a rather bad two days laying on my sofa and grazing on chocolate but that's all behind me now. I can tell by my clothes that I've gained weight (I'm staying clear of the scales) but I'm not worried as I know it will be gone soon. I'm back on my food plan again and am thinking of doing GreySheeters OA again for at least 90 days to help me stay focused on my goal of being 55kgs/120lbs before December 2008.

Merry Christmas

I am leaving on Monday for Barbados for 3 weeks. So this will be my last post here for the year.

Writing here has helped me decide that I need additional support in order to stay on track with my weight loss goals and I'm seeking that help in Greysheet OA once again. I will listen in on their 1 hour phone meetings every morning until I leave for vacation and once I get back I'll do their program for at least 90 days.

My food goals over the next three weeks is to take one day at a time and decide what my boundaries will be with food at the beginning of the day using my food plan as my guide. Hopefully, I'll be writing and posting my food on my own blog as usual.

I wish everyone a very Merry Christmas! See you in the New Year!!!

One More Time Around ...

After 10 successful years in Anonymous programs and running 5 days a week, things began to unravel, not dramatically you understand, just slowly … as things often do.

First I had to give up running as years of not stretching adequately led to a knee injury. I tried to replace my running routine with the gym and swimming, but neither fitted neatly into my schedule or had the same appeal.

Then I met my current partner who wooed me endlessly over expensive meals in posh restaurants. This was such a happy time in my life that I developed amnesia about my problems with food and began to eat things I normally avoided. Of course, once Pandora’s Box was opened, old patterns began to reassert themselves and I began nibbling when stressed, anxious, angry etc. instead of dealing with my feelings head on.

When my weight began to creep back up, I should have gone into panic mode, instead I began to buy stretchy clothes so I could be comfortable … just until my weight went back down, I told myself. The problem with stretchy clothes is that they offer no resistance to weight gain and one can gain and gain and gain with a certain unconsciousness. Unwittingly, my partner made my unconsciousness even worse because he didn’t care what size my body was. He never once said anything and when on occasion I would comment about my weight. He’d say, something to the effect that there was more of me to love. This was a radical change from the men I'd dated before him who I am certain would have been very critical if I gained even 1 lb.

I wasn't binging, just consuming far too many high calorie foods too often and not exercising. It took about 5 years for my weight to return to my original adult number of 190lbs.

About 2 1/2 years ago I woke up from my amnesia and was horrified that I had undone my healthy routine of good diet and exercise and had regained all my weight and then some. I became determined to return to a healthy weight and committed to Overeaters Anonymous again. I ate the prescribed three meals a day with nothing in between for 1 year but refused to exercise and felt deprived most of the time. In the first few months I lost 20lbs., and then plateau for 9 months. That was the most frustrating of experiences and eventually I gave up and slowly gained the 20lbs back.

I took some time to really think about how I wanted to proceed with my weight loss goal and in August after a false start, launched a blog called 55kgs.which crystallises everything I have learnt over a lifetime of struggle with food, exercise and weight and charts my journey to my ideal weight of 120lbs. Here is what I've learnt:

1. I love living in a slim body.

2. If I eat more calories than my body can burn, I will put on weight.

3. I NEED A FOOD PLAN. Just going into the world and making healthy choices on the cuff doesn't work for me. If I am to survive every party, wedding, lunch and dinner etc. that blows my way without overeating or making poor choice, I need a clear idea of what I can eat when and how much constitutes a portion. What, When, How much are my buzz words.

4. Eating a balanced, healthy food plan and getting regular exercise are NOT always fun, but have a profound effect on my body, emotions and mind and on my ability to function effectively in the world. They can also prolong my life and stave off illnesses. In other words, I love what they do for me.

5. Sustained weight loss is only possible if I maintain the food plan and exercise routine that enabled the weight loss to begin with.

6. I am hard wired to eat sweets as a way of nurturing myself and soothing my feelings. I will have to contend with this for the rest of my life.

7. If I don’t build sweet treats into my food plan, I’ll feel deprived and have a greater tendency to go off my plan and overeat sweets when I do.

8. My chance of success losing weight is greater in a community than alone. I had my first success with weight loss in two Anonymous programs in New York. It is very hard to find accessible OA meetings in London, so in August, I started a weight loss blog, 55kgs. to help me develop a community of like-minded people and of course, that's why I am writing here at Sweet Potato Pie.

For background reading on this post see:
1. Compulsive Eater and Sugar Addict
2. The Beggining of an Abuse Love Affair
3. Listen to the Hunger
4. What is the Hunger About?

What is the Hunger About?

By the time I finished reading Listen to the Hunger by Elisabeth L., I understood clearly for the first time that I was using food, mostly sweet foods, to mask various issues in my life.

I was desperate as the author said to get “unstuck” from this behaviour. I was ready to learn the answer to the question “What is the hunger really about?” I called the woman who’d recommended the book and we had a good chat at the end of which she invited me to accompany her to my first “Greysheet Overeaters Anonymous” meeting.

Greysheet Overeaters Anonymous is a 12 step program and like all 12 step programs it is based on the principles and traditions of Alcoholics Anonymous and believes that the first step to recovery is to first admit that there is a problem. I knew I had a problem and I was desperate to find a solution, so I had absolutely no reservation about getting up during that first meeting and saying: “Hi I am Nona, I am a compulsive overeater and sugar addict.” That evening I got a sponsor (someone to support and guide me) who gave me a low-carb food plan known as the Greysheet food plan and the next day I began the most amazing journey of my life.

When I started the program, I had reached an all time high of about 86kgs/190lbs. Over one year at a consistent rate of about 5-6 pounds per month I lost 31kgs/70lbs to achieve 55kgs/120lbs. for the first time in my adult life. I maintained that weight for 5 years.

In order to lose the weight and maintain it I ate 3 meals from the Greysheet food plan which consisted of fruit, vegetables, and protein. I weighed and measured everything I ate without exception even when I ate out. It was the hardest thing I had ever done in my life but it was also the most freeing. I also ran for ½ an hour five days a week and lifted 5-10lb free weights in my apartment. I stayed in Greysheet for 5 years and then switched to regular Overeaters Anonymous because I wanted a less rigid food plan.

OA did not recommend a specific food plan and my weight fluctuated a little as I tried to figure out what food plan would work best for me. Finally I decided to use the Greysheet food plan and continue to weigh and measure but with exception. I returned to my optimal weight of 55kgs/120lbs.

Attaining and maintaining a healthy weight changed my life in several ways. for the first time I felt comfortable in my own body. I was amazed at it ... at what it could do. I loved to run, jump, skip move. I couldn't believe how easy it was to move. Having been overweight my entire life, movement didn't always come easily to me. I loved the way my clothes fitted and I loved the confidence looking great gave me.

As great as the impact on my body was, the impact on my psyche of doing the 12 steps program and seeking therapy was more profound. Slowly over 10 years I was able to excavate, examine and resolve in the minutest of detail the debris of my life. Finally I understand what the hunger is about for me.

After 10 years of "recovery", I thought, "okay this is it. I've got this thing all wrapped up." Well, I was to discover that when it comes to addiction you never have things all wrapped up.

Listen to the Hunger

Moving to the USA to attend graduate school, was a big change for me. Moving is generally recognised as one of life’s big stressors, and this move was no exception. It wasn’t just the challenge of getting used to a new environment that was problematic for me, I’d lived in Paris for two years preceding my move to the USA and so was prepared for that challenge. The thing that made the move most difficult for me was America’s racial politics which depending on one’s temperament, can generate more distress and heartache than any human should have to endure.

My sense of displacement, alienation, disillusionment, hurt and anger manifested themselves as a gnawing hunger which eating did not satisfy. This hunger grew more and more insatiable as time went on. I felt as though a huge hole had opening up in my soul and I needed to fill it to survive … to be whole. At first I would make myself little treats that I’d always enjoyed at home over conversations with my friends. I was trying I guess to recreate the warmth and connectedness of those moments. When that didn’t work I increased the quantities and when that didn’t work I began to branch out, trying one thing after another in larger and larger quantities. By the time I was consuming 20,000 calories a day in cakes, ice cream, sweet biscuits, chocolates and growing larger and larger, I realised that I was locked in a destructive cycle from which I desperately wanted to escape.

Every morning I tried to start fresh. I'd promise myself that I would not eat as I had done the day before. Sometimes I made it until 10am, sometimes noon but always I caved in before the day was over. It often started with having just one chocolate bar and that one would lead to 10 within an hour, which would lead to whole cakes, pints of ice cream, boxes of sweet biscuits etc.

Luckily for me, I happened to be invited to a party about 6 months into my binging career, where I overheard a women talking about her problems with compulsive overeating. I was not that familiar with the term then but I recognised it immediately as one that fitted my behaviour very well. I managed to catch her alone later on that evening and asked her how she managed to stop compulsively eating. She suggested I read a book called Listen to the Hunger by Elisabeth L. and gave me her number to call her once I’d read it. I got the book a few days later. It is quite a small book. Only 84 pages and I read it in one sitting as I cried and binged on chocolate bars.

The introduction read:

If someone habitually overeats, it is safe to say that person is hooked on using food to do things food cannot do. Habitual overeating is an addiction as powerful as the addiction to alcohol or other drugs. In many ways, it is even more difficult to deal with food abuse, since no one can stop eating completely. We can put alcohol and other drugs out of our lives. We do not need either substance for survival. We do need food. We must find a way to identify our legitimate hunger for food without letting it expand and absorb other hungers that need to be fed.

If whenever we feel a twinge of emotion, our first impulse is to put something in our mouths, we are misreading our inner signals. The key to getting “unstuck” is learning to pay attention to what is behind the craving for excess food. What needs are being masked or covered up by the desire to eat more? What is the hunger about?

The path away from food abuse leads out of the boredom and despair of compulsion into a many-splendored world of feeling and participation. The way out is sometimes steep and twisting, with temporary roadblocks, detours, and slippery places. It is a path to be travelled daily with all the aid and assistance we can get. Professional healers can help. So can fellow travellers. Our greatest resource – which is always available – is the inner voice that tells us who we are, what we feel, and what we need. If we will take time to listen and learn, we will slowly discover what the hunger is all about. The hunger will lead to an ever-increasing knowledge of what life is all about. We will grow through our hungers into greater understanding and strength. Each day will be richer and fuller. We will not cease to be hungry, but will learn what satisfies.

That was the beginning for me of a long and arduous journey of recovery from compulsive eating and sugar addiction to a healthy and balanced life.

Adios - For Now

Alright Ladies and Gents ( I know you're out there),

This is me saying goodbye....for now. I have a Masters Thesis that has to get written and I have been procrastinating and procrastinating and now it's down to the wire. I'm not very good at multi-tasking so I'm not going to be able to blog and write my thesis. So I'm signing off for now. I'll be back no later then Jan 1.

Fear not however Sweet Potato Pie will live on. Tracy and Nona will continue to hold down the fort I'm sure. So keep coming back. There'll be plenty of weight loss news, tips and humor to keep you on track or to help get you started on your weight loss goals. Thank you all for making Sweet Potato Pie such a success.

C-You in January,

T.S. Johnson

The Beginning of An Abusive Love Affair

I have searched my memory for the one defining moment that moved me from a “normal” eater to a “not-so-normal” one, but I can’t find it.

I don't think there was just one defining moment but rather many little moments that had the cumulative effect of driving me to eat more than my body needed for its health.

My parents, though married for 50 years, have had an acrimonious and contentious relationship which I think created great obstacles to them being emotionally available parents. They fed, clothed, housed, schooled and protected us, but they were almost completely incapable of providing emotional stability, nurturing, support or guidance.

When I look back at my childhood, I still feel keenly my sadness, loneliness, bewilderment and fear. I suspect that my inability to manage so many distressing and destabilising emotions drove me to seek comfort in sweet foods. Of course, I don’t remember the exact moment or circumstance when it struck me that sweets had special powers to anaesthetise pain, but I do remember that from the age of 8, I developed such an obsession with sugary foods that I was driven to steal coins from my father’s trouser pockets to finance my growing taste for toffees, sugar cakes, nut brittle, boiled sweets and whatever else I could get a hold of. I was even willing to risk the wrath of God, by keeping half the money my mother gave me for Sunday School collection each Sunday, to buy sweets on my way home from church.

My mother ran a very healthy kitchen and she rarely gave us snacks or sweets, so I had to be very careful about concealing my habit from my parents and my three sisters. One thing I could not conceal though was my growing body. I moved from an average sized little girl to a chubby one seemingly overnight if you go by my childhood photos. Yet I don’t remember anyone expressing alarm or realising that something must be wrong.

A few years ago I told my mother about my stealing and secret binges as a child and in her characteristically emotionally detached way, she said, “Oh that’s why you used to bring your lunch back home almost everyday.”

I didn’t remember not eating my lunch, but I did remember eating so many sweets between leaving school and arriving home that I didn’t have any appetite for dinner and would often just nibble stuff and push my food around my plate to make it look like I’d eaten something so I wouldn’t get into trouble for not eating.

I asked my mother if she didn’t find it strange that I didn’t eat lunch and sometimes didn’t eat dinner, but was growing fatter by the minute. She just shrugged which I took for a 'no'.

When people talk about obesity being a family illness, they are usually referring to parents who overeat and cultivate the same habits in their children, but what you hear less about is children eating to comfort themselves in a dysfunctional environment or parents who are themselves a healthy weight but watch their children growing fat without acknowledging that something is terribly wrong in their child’s life.

My mother did try to intervene a few times when I was a teenager, after doctors warned her that I was too heavy for my height, but whatever strategy suggested by the doctor she tried to enforce never worked because it did not take into account the reason for my eating.

When I left primary school for high school at 11, I no longer had to steal to acquire sweets because I got an allowance and could buy whatever I wanted. It seems to me though that when I entered high school my consumption of sweets slowed down and though I did continue to have what I called at the time a “sweet tooth”, it didn’t seem quite as intense as it had been in primary school. I went from what I now understand was "binging" to "grazing", which essentially means that while I still needed sugar I no longer felt the need to eat huge amounts of it all day long. I just took smaller quantities throughout the day. So for example instead of having 5 bags of M&Ms for lunch. I would have lunch and one packet of M&Ms after for a treat. If my friends and I went out for ice-cream intead of ordering a double cone in front of them and then when they were gone doubling back for two more double cones, I was satisfied with my double cone while they ate their singles.

I was definitely still attached to sugar and I was still overweight but as I grew less emotionally dependent on my parents and began to develop my own life and perhaps some emotional resilience, sugar played a more minor role in my life ... that is until I moved to the United States for graduate school.

Compulsive Eater and Sugar Addict

A long time ago I came to the realisation that I was a sugar addict and compulsive overeater. This realisation did not come overnight. It took years to understand myself and my relationship with food.

I was a pretty normal eater and average sized kid up until the age of 8, but around 8 I developed an abnormal and unconscious relationship with food. Abnormal because I used food particularly sugary foods not just to fuel my body’s functions but to comfort, nurture and protect myself. Unconscious because for a long time I didn’t understand that that was what I was doing.

I have lived in Barbados, France, the USA and Britain and though these are very different societies in many ways, two of the things they have in common regarding obesity is their lack of understanding of many of the psycho-social issues that create obesity and their assumption that overweight or obese people are simply greedy, lack willpower, don’t care about ourselves, have not pride, are lazy, stupid etc. and therefore can be ridiculed subtly or overtly and generally discriminated against.

I’m not a doctor, dietician, psychiatrist or psychologist and I don’t pretend to know everything about obesity. What I do know from my own experience however, is that obesity is a symptom and the most successful way to treat it is to identify and address its root cause(s).

Thanks to Sweet Potato Pie for affording me a space for this weekly post sharing my history as a compulsive eater and sugar addict, and my journey to living a healthier life.

Welcome a New Blogger

Hi All,

A new Blogger has joined the Nona. She hearkens from England and has a blog of her own 55kg that chronicles her journey to get back to her goal weight of 55kg (That's about 120 pounds for the metric unit challenged folk. lol).

Let's give her a big Sweet Potato Pie welcome. And I look forward to her first post.