Left Without Saying Goodbye

He was my best friend, my rock, my reason for smiling everyday. From the time I turned sweet 16, always there…in just the right places. I delighted in the way he made me feel. There was a spring in my every step…I could practically dance the night away. It didn’t matter if I filled up on Waffle House bacon and eggs or five chicken soft tacos from Taco Bell at 3a.m. with my gal pals…he’d work it off (wink wink).

Throughout my twenties, I reveled in my ability to tame him. I admit my will to do the right thing was never very strong…but so what? I had him, he had my back even when I would royally mess up. The partying, drinking, sleeping till noon, or even rolling into work after 2 hours sleep, I could do it because of his strength. I never knew how much I relied on him………..until he left. He went out with me on the night before my 30th birthday, but when I fell asleep that night, I didn’t know that would be the last time I saw him.

No good-bye, no note, no warning whatsoever. He left. He left me for someone younger. Well, not just younger, I admit, probably someone more intuned with his needs, someone not as arrogant and self-absorbed as I. Basically, someone that gave a damn.

There are times I think I have finally accepted his leaving. I go shopping and I’m reminded all over again. Every pair of jeans, a cute form fitting dress…..the snugness is too much, suffocating…I usually leave in tears only to wallow in the shoe department of Macy’s. Is there any wonder why I own 100 pairs of fabulous strappy sandals, fly boots and every indigenous reptile skinned pumps?

Its been almost 10 years this July, and he’s not coming back. I realize this. I’ve moved on, attempted to regain some semblance of balance in his absence. But its not easy, each day is a journey. I walk and walk…some days I think I see him and begin to run…just trying in my desperation to maybe, somehow catch just a glimpse of him. I speed up thinking if I can just catch him and grab him and explain and apologize….but alas, its not him. He’s gone, not coming back

My sweetie, my love, my boo…………………

My DAMN METABOLISM LEFT ME AND HE DIDN’T EVEN SAY GOOD-BYE!!

Look Mama--I Made It!!!!!

Guess who is featured in the Feb/Mar issue of Heart and Soul Magazine? That's Right. Yours Truly and her fabulous blog Sweet Potato Pie. Go get an issue today so you can see how your girl is doing BIG THANGS!!!!

SAD and Overeating

Since I got back from vacation I've been depressed and have felt completely incapable of dealing with my weight loss goals ... as a matter of fact before I went on vacation I was depressed.

Winter doesn't work for me. I love Autumn and Spring, but I HATE winter. It isn't just the cold that I hate, but the lack of light that I absolutely detest. In truth even though I love Autumn, from the moment the first chill in the air signals its arrival, I start to feel a creeping melancholy.

The British isles are cold, grey and damp and in the winter the days are super short. Sometimes you don't see the sun for weeks and if you do it is fleeting - a you'll miss it if you blink experience. For a long time I have suspected that the lack of sunlight affects my mood. Now I am sure of it.

According to the Seasonal Affective Disorder Association:

SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder) is a type of winter depression that affects an estimated half a million people every Winter between September and April, in particular during December, January and February.

It is caused by a biochemical imbalance in the hypothalamus due to the shortening of daylight hours and the lack of sunlight in winter.

For many people SAD is a seriously disabling illness, preventing them from functioning normally without continuous medical treatment. For others, it is a mild but debilitating condition causing discomfort but not severe suffering. We call this sub-syndromal SAD or 'winter blues.'

Symptoms

Sleep problems:	Usually desire to oversleep and difficulty staying awake but, in some cases, disturbed sleep and early morning wakening
Lethargy:	Feeling of fatigue and inability to carry out normal routine
Overeating:	Craving for carbohydrates and sweet foods, usually resulting in weight gain
Depression:	Feelings of misery, guilt and loss of self-esteem, sometimes hopelessness and despair, sometimes apathy and loss of feelings
Social problems:	Irritability and desire to avoid social contact
Anxiety:	Tension and inability to tolerate stress
Loss of libido	Decreased interest in sex and physical contact
Mood changes	In some sufferers, extremes of mood and short periods of hypomania (overactivity) in spring and autumn.

I definitely have a number of these symptoms. I have been depressed, lethargic, suffering from insomnia, anxious, unsociable and definitely overeating sweets.

Treatment

Light therapy has been shown to be effective in up to 85 per cent of diagnosed cases. That is, exposure, for up to four hours per day (average 1-2 hours) to very bright light, at least ten times the intensity of ordinary domestic lighting.
Antidepressant Drugs like Prozac are effective in alleviating the depressive symptoms and combing well with light therapy.
Psychotherapy, counselling or any complementary therapy which helps the sufferer to relax, accept their illness and cope with its limitations are extremely useful.
Vigorous exercise, especially outdoor activities.

My partner bought me a light therapy box for my birthday a few weeks ago and I have been using it religiously. It has completely alleviated my symptoms and I have been able to turn my attention once again to addressing my food/weight issues. As mentioned in my last post, I have returned to Greysheeter Anonymous program and so far it has been as wonderful as it was the first time around. I feel well on my way to successfully addressing my obesity. In GSA we weigh in once a month so I will now be providing monthly updates of my progress.

Me, Still Smokin'!

Hey All!

Been awhile between posts I know! I missed you too! Since I finally got some down time, lets play catchup! Get your jammies on and pour yourself some vino or some hot chocolate - here's the scoop!

Weight wise I have managed to gain quite a bit back...I weighed myself Friday morning to 234 - that is 10 pounds away from where I started, so it's back on track for me! I have gone back to my bible - the Atkins book - and am, yep, starting over again! So this weekend was supposed to be the last, last, really last, I mean it last hurrah! I was supposed to go over a girlfriends house and eat mac and cheese, then we were going to go out paaaaartying and I was going to have margarita's and coronas. Mr. Windstar and Aunt Flo (yes her again!) put a monkeywrench into those plans, but I guess it is just as well, I think that I have binged enough over the last two months. I really want to be sick of food and be over it, but alas he is a lover that I cannot shake! Especially if he comes in Chocolate! or Mexican! or Cheesecake! Damn, I'm getting hungry again.....

Life wise, things couldn't be better! Got me a new fella that is car - azy about Miss Tracy! The second date he called me his Queen and has been a complete sweetheart to me! He loves to cuddle and says that I could not be more perfect. So, to hell with the diet and.......oh no wait, still have my diabetes to contend with and all of those new clothes that I bought. And Valentines Day is coming up, not to mention my birthday and I wanted to be smaller by then. And he did mention something about a nightie that he bought me - Yep its back on! Right now , in its current state, lace is not coming anywhere near this ass! Tho a long sexy gown with a silk coverup might be nice....

See that is still my problem! Big or small (ok less big) I still think that I am the shizz! Is that overconfidence? or Delusion? and when and where is the breaking point? Maybe love has clouded my judgement lately, but I still have goals for myself that I have to reach, not to mention that there are folks in this weight loss journey with me that are looking to me for support.. what to do, what to do.....

Ah well, would love to hear from anyone that is going thru, or has gone thru the same thing! Lets hear from some sista's that are in the game, or have won the game!

Til next time! You Can Do It!

Weight Loss Tip of the Day

Start reading labels. I know it sucks, but you have to do it - and there’s no way to avoid this tip. If you don’t know what you’re putting in your mouth, you’re flying blind. Don’t assume, either - triple-check the ingredients list and serving sizes. You must rely on yourself for this; nobody else is going to be able to lose the weight or do the math for you. It’s not that complicated a task, but it will require effort. If nothing else, just pay attention to the calorie count.

Source

Happy New Year! Happy New Fat!

Hey All!!

Well, hope all of you had a great holiday! I know I did! I racked up on the gifts, and dodged a few New Years Eve bullets (btw, it is not legal to shoot off your guns on New Years, I checked!). I had a quick but dangerous fling with an old lover.....bread!! It was......magical! But like all quick and meaningless flings, this has to end.

It was supposed to end on the First, but then I couldn't have the bbq or the pie that I made for New Year's day. And of course, the stress of going back to work after all of those vacation days I had, oh and then a good friends birthday was on the 8th, and there was the luncheon that I had to prepare at work...... OK OK Next week for sure!!

Allright, update! The contest was officially over on January 4th. I weighed in at 229 - a total loss of 15 pounds! Yay! Well, almost yay! I was up 10 pounds from the last weigh in but I still had a loss!

Soooo - for '08, I am 15 pounds closer to my goal, which is 160! I really don't have a choice now because I have thrown away all of my bigger clothes. The 20's are getting a little snug, so time to put down the donuts and get back on treadmill!

Right now, I'm all up in the primaries, and got a few things going on the romantical side, so I am a little distracted, but I will be keeping up the posts and reporting in with the weekly weigh ins! So, stick with us here folks, I promise we will be more entertaining than the Biggest Loser!

Til next time - I CAN DO... is that an eclaire?!?

New Year - Old Goals

I had a wonderful Christmas break with my family. A testimony to my emotional growth and maturity (and probably theirs as well) is that I now feel absolutely no bitterness or anger towards my parents. I realise they did the best job they could based on who they are and what they knew and in many ways sent me into the world with a plethora of advantages. As I'm no longer emotionally or otherwise dependent on them I can relate to them as individuals and appreciate their special qualities as such. This Christmas was filled with an abundance of joy for all of us and I can't wait to visit again.

I haven't made any New Year's resolutions but one of my most critical goals for 2008, is to continue the weight loss journey I started last August and lose the 27kgs/60lbs I have left to lose through good nutrition and exercise. Food wise, I allowed myself to have whatever I wanted during the holidays, with some quantity moderation and that worked well. I was a little depressed when I got back to grey London and did have a rather bad two days laying on my sofa and grazing on chocolate but that's all behind me now. I can tell by my clothes that I've gained weight (I'm staying clear of the scales) but I'm not worried as I know it will be gone soon. I'm back on my food plan again and am thinking of doing GreySheeters OA again for at least 90 days to help me stay focused on my goal of being 55kgs/120lbs before December 2008.